Wedding response etiquette?
January 19, 2010
I’m trying to decide how to set up my response cards which will be included in my wedding invitations. Originally, I was going to do the traditional "mail back" card with the pre-stamped, pre-addressed envelope. However, with other events I have seen a serious lack of response from doing that. It’s almost as if people are too lazy to drop a pre-paid piece of mail in the mailbox.
I’m thinking about asking my guests to RSVP only to a wedding website (it has a nifty little RSVP function on it that it really simple to use), or for the people who may not have access to computers or the internet, add my phone number. Do you guys think I would get a better response that way? Or is this one of those "wedding etiquette" rules that I don’t even know I’m breaking?
Thanks!
Congrats.
I understand your frustration. I’ve been there myself. It’s still good etiquette to send the pre-stamped, pre-addressed RSVP cards or postcards for the convenience of your guests for medium to large formal and semiformal weddings. If you see how difficult it is to get responses with a convenient pre-stamped , pre-addressed card, don’t expect that they will write you a note of acceptance with their own stationary themselves. Most people lead much busier lives today than the high society people of yesterday where letter writing and penmanship was an art.
You can also include the website RSVP info. to give them an alternative. Add your phone number as well if you like, but then you’ll have to field phone calls when you might be busy with your planning. You want to make this convienient for you as well.
If you’re having a casual wedding, a website RSVP info. and/or phone number should suffice. There’s more flexibility with small casual weddings.
For all of these options, if you don’t receive RSVPS by the deadline, split up your "nonresponses" with your fiance, bridesmaids, etc. and call to verify attendance. It will be easier for you that way. Your "nonresponse" list will be a much shorter call list than a FULL invite list. You and your wedding party don’t want to be calling, leaving messages, and recalling EVERYBODY you’re inviting with wedding planning and other things to do.
15 Responses to “Wedding response etiquette?”
I’m with you: why don’t people drop the PREPAIED RSVP into the mail?! It’s not hard.
As for the wedding website address and your phone number, I say it’s a good call. People may find it more convenient to drop a line on the internet or call you and let you know. I would give them three options: mail, website, phone.
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By daVIDica on Jan 19, 2010
I would say that is a great alternative, not to mention a money saver on postage!
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By cjmessy on Jan 19, 2010
Nothing replaces a paper RSVP.
I’m sorry, but internet and calls RSVP alone seem cheap and tacky. They can be used in conjuction to paper, but not alone/
People simply do not like RSVP even if you hold their hands.
Good luck
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By Blunt on Jan 19, 2010
In this day and age, website RSVP and phone as a backup and considered acceptable.
More and more people are doing it everyday. With the way the economy is, people will more than understand.
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By korrin_belle on Jan 19, 2010
We set up a Hotmail address specifically for the wedding, so that people could RSVP, and also ask us any questions. Some people have used this, others have sent RSVP cards. You can get far too carried away with wedding etiquette if you’re not careful. Prepaid cards envelopes are unnecessary – if someone begrudges the cost of a stamp do you really want them at your wedding?!
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By My name isn't Earl on Jan 19, 2010
Congrats.
I understand your frustration. I’ve been there myself. It’s still good etiquette to send the pre-stamped, pre-addressed RSVP cards or postcards for the convenience of your guests for medium to large formal and semiformal weddings. If you see how difficult it is to get responses with a convenient pre-stamped , pre-addressed card, don’t expect that they will write you a note of acceptance with their own stationary themselves. Most people lead much busier lives today than the high society people of yesterday where letter writing and penmanship was an art.
You can also include the website RSVP info. to give them an alternative. Add your phone number as well if you like, but then you’ll have to field phone calls when you might be busy with your planning. You want to make this convienient for you as well.
If you’re having a casual wedding, a website RSVP info. and/or phone number should suffice. There’s more flexibility with small casual weddings.
For all of these options, if you don’t receive RSVPS by the deadline, split up your "nonresponses" with your fiance, bridesmaids, etc. and call to verify attendance. It will be easier for you that way. Your "nonresponse" list will be a much shorter call list than a FULL invite list. You and your wedding party don’t want to be calling, leaving messages, and recalling EVERYBODY you’re inviting with wedding planning and other things to do.
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By Viv on Jan 19, 2010
First of all, pre-printed pre-paid mail is not "traditional" (heaven forbid!) It is in fact an invention of the wedding industry who want you to spend as much money as possible on unnecessary wedding tack like R.s.v.p. cards and return envelopes. Traditional ladies and gentlemen who have been reared with sophisticated good manners are offended by these innovations, because they imply we don’t already have our own appropriate stationery.
The polite thing is to let your friends reply using the method most convenient for them, and put a phone number, website or email address on the invitation under the R.s.v.p. line. Those of us who are still traditional will write you a polite hand-written note along the lines of "Miss Aspasia Phipps/accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of/&tc." Those of us who are a little more modern will phone, and the legitimate innovators will text, email, or visit your website.
Please don’t commit the solecism of trying to force your guests into a mold that suits your convenience.
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By aspasia on Jan 19, 2010
I agree with the first answer do all three! Instead of rsvp cards, try postcards. I was invited to a wedding with the rsvp postcard stamped and adressed and I filled it out on the spot and stuck it back in the mail!
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By Kalamity_K:) on Jan 19, 2010
To answer your question, replies via internet are highly unreliable. Data backs this up. Its so easy to click "yes attending" without really thinking whether they will come or not. But when the time comes, they either cant or dont want to come, and figure that they are just one person and it wont matter.
Besides, the mailed RSVP is the proper way to go. Follow up with phone calls anyone who doesnt send it back. Might be a pain, but theres no way around it. Besides, youll get a *more* accurate count that way.
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By fizzy stuff on Jan 19, 2010
I would stick with tradition & send hard RSVP’s. If guests won’t return a hard RSVP, they won’t respond electronically either.
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By Dana D on Jan 19, 2010
Technical Etiquette is on your side. Technically, those little response cards are a wee bit rude, as they imply that your prospective guests would not have the good manners to send you a prompt response unless you made the process "idiot proof" by giving them a pre-addressed pre-stamped envelope and a handy "circle your choice" card. In the hypocritical world of etiquette, one must maintain the pretense that everyone else’s manners are as excruciatingly correct as ones own.
May I suggest that you use telephone than the internet to handle your RSVPs? You aren’t expected to take and make all those calls yourself. In the old days (1900s) our bridesmaids and groomsmen handled this.
The "real time" communication of telephone will let your helpers prevent awkwardness when prospective guests don’t quite understand who is invited and who is not. Your helpers will be prepared to say things like "There is some misunderstanding. The invitation is for Homer and Marge. Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are not on the guest list. Do you need a few days to arrange for a sitter? May I give you call on Thursday?" and "I’m sure the couple would love to meet your new boyfriend, but the wedding is only for people they know and care about. Please do come, as we need more single ladies to dance with all the single men." And so on.
Further, during this phone conversation many people will ask "Where are they registered? What sort of gift would they like?" You do want an opportunity to share this infomation, don’t you?
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By kill_yr_television on Jan 19, 2010
Wedding Websites are the new ‘norm’ and great for the environment too!
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By Karen C on Jan 19, 2010
For the brides on here that don’t know, the proper way to respond to a formal invitation is to write a note on your own stationary back to the host with a simple handwritten response.
From Miss Manners herself: "Response cards were never correct. They are a desperate, and not particularly successful, way to make up for the extreme rudeness of people who think it too much trouble to inform their hosts whether or not they will attend an occasion to which they have been kindly bidden. Wedding invitations are properly answered on your very own paper, with your very own hand. Following the form of the invitation, they say either that "Mr. and Mrs. Phiffle accept with pleasure" or "regret exceedingly that they are unable to accept" the kind invitation of their hosts."
That being said, people just are too rude to respond anyway, so to compromise I included a response card that had the same graphic from our invite with a short one line text that said, "The favor of a reply is requested by May 1." The card opened to an empty field where guests could write their response. On the back, I included my address, email, and phone number. I don’t care how people respond if they don’t know the correct way, as long as I know if they are coming. I included the self-addressed envelope but did not bother to waste stamps that will probably not get sent anyway.
Good Luck!
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By NOLAlover on Jan 19, 2010
Online all the way, people won’t have to leave the comfort of their home!
But you should definitely send RSVP cards to anyone over the age of 40, and give them the option on the RSVP card to reply online if they choose to.
Etiquette is changing because times are changing.
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Common Sense
By meemz on Jan 19, 2010
I think it’s a great idea, or just add an email address on the bottom. Im sure a lot more people will do that than send the rsvp back, though most people dont…and ya, why don’t they!!
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By Chris's proud mommy on Jan 19, 2010