Etiquette when not attending a wedding when given a 2nd hand invitation?

November 7, 2009

My best friends sister (who I used to know fairly well for a year or so in high school 10+ years ago) got married about a week ago, and my friend gave me his own verbal invitation saying that I’m welcome to go. I didn’t get a written invitation and my friend didn’t say "my sister would like you see you there" or anything so I decided not to go.

I’ve met the new husband a time or two and he seems like a good guy and I know him a little.

What is best to do in this situation? Should I just leave it alone and congratulate them when I see them or mail some kind of gift card?

I just wondered what best practice or common practice is.

Thanks!

Since you did not receive an invitation from them then just congratulate them the next time you see them. I wouldn’t send anything since they didn’t bother sending you an invitation.

Posted in: wedding invitation etiquette

  1. 15 Responses to “Etiquette when not attending a wedding when given a 2nd hand invitation?”

  2. I’d leave it alone, you don’t know them well enough anymore to have to buy a gift and you were asked as an afterthought!
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    By up2now on Nov 8, 2009

  3. if you have the means and are close enough to them, give the card/gift. if not, it’s perfectly acceptable to congratulate them verbally since you weren’t formally invited to the wedding
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    By rachel on Nov 8, 2009

  4. Since you did not receive an invitation from them then just congratulate them the next time you see them. I wouldn’t send anything since they didn’t bother sending you an invitation.
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    By jj.mcintosh on Nov 8, 2009

  5. Leave it alone and congratulate them if/when you run into them soon. You weren’t invited by them so don’t send anything, you might make them feel bad about not inviting you.
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    By hplss.rmntc on Nov 8, 2009

  6. Oh lord! If your friends sister ever found out that he did that she would flip out. You were right not to go, if you were invited you would have recieved an invitation in the mail, brides arent just fly by night lke that.

    As for a gift, thats entrirely up to you, I wouldnt, but i probably would send a card of good wishes to them.
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    By kateqd30 on Nov 8, 2009

  7. Since you weren’t invited to the wedding directly by either the bride or the groom, then I don’t think you should feel obligated to give them a present. You weren’t given the benefit of being invited to go and share in the wedding, they shouldn’t benefit from your second-hand invite that they may not have even know you were invited. Just tell them Congrats.
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    By mcmillae on Nov 8, 2009

  8. No invitation, no gift.

    Simply congratulate them next time you see them.

    Good luck
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    By Blunt on Nov 8, 2009

  9. Proper etiquette will dictate that you send a congratulatory card to the newly weds if you were invited. Sending a card without an invitation will still be recieved well. If you don’t have their address feel free to tell them in person. The choice to not go to the wedding was a proper decision unless it was known to be a come one come all with no formal invitations. The rule of thumb is that you have 1 year to send a gift but a card in this case will be well received.
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    By Drew P on Nov 8, 2009

  10. You are not obligated to send anything unless you wish to.

    When I got married I was a bit embarrassed when someone declined to come to the celebration, but still sent a gift.
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    By kana121569 on Nov 8, 2009

  11. In my opinion I wouldn’t feel obligated to the newlyweds as they didn’t invite you personally either by written invitation or verbally. However, it would be very polite to make it a point to personally congratulate them the next time you see them. Perhaps say "So how are the newlyweds doing? I believe a congratulation is in order" and then congratulate them.
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    By J. K on Nov 8, 2009

  12. Since the friend who asked you to go with him may not have shown you his invitation [where it says "self plus guest" in the RSVP card?] then you’re right not to attend. Since you knew the bride yonks ago, settle for a Really Nice Card and get it in the mail eventually…no gift, and put all your full name after the "from" to cover the "used to know fairly well" aspects. As if! Your instincts in this matter are impeccable, BTW.
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    By constantreader on Nov 8, 2009

  13. You were right not to go to the wedding if you didn’t receive an actual invitation.

    Send them a card if you like – it would be a nice gesture on your part. Do not mention the verbal invitation or apologize for not being able to come.
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    By duritzgirl4 on Nov 8, 2009

  14. You could send a card, or a gift, but only if you want to.
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    By Terri on Nov 8, 2009

  15. You made the right choice. Your friend really had no place to invite you since it was his sister’s wedding and not his. Also, since you didn’t get an invitation mailed to you, you really aren’t obligated to send a gift of any kind. If you would have gone, a gift should have been bought, but since you chose to stay home – you’re fine. Congratulate the couple the next time you see them, but other that that you are in the clear.
    References :
    Certified Wedding Specialist (www.eleganzaintima.com)

    By VAWeddingSpecialist on Nov 8, 2009

  16. I wouldnt send anything. you werent actually invited to the wedding so you have no obligation the send them anything. just say congrats when you see them. thats more then enough.
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    By angeldust_599 on Nov 8, 2009

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